I am not going to lie. I am a person with a fair share of fears. Some of them left me in one or the other phase of growing up. Others joined me later on my present journey in life. Some of them were quite consistent in their presence throughout every phase until now. Out of all those, the fear I am going to address is the one that decided to knock on my door amidst an increasing age, accompanied by stronger relationships and deeper awareness of the latter.
From my spiritual journey as a kid until now, a lot has changed. Be it the way I have or have not shaped my opinions about certain points, the approach to spending time spiritually, or the means of expressing myself as part of my belief, I am still trying to find my route to reach my personal ideal. However, I must say that there are certain habits that have been consistent for a long time, and not surprisingly, one practice particularly came to my mind when I thought of my deepest fear.
Ever since I can remember, I have tended to name dear ones of mine and if it is not my immediate family, the respective family, and pray for their health. This means that little me used to list everyone who entered my mind and extend it to the larger population with a prayer against illnesses or misfortunes. A habit that decided to stay with me, even if it is done less consistently. Reflecting back, it could be my way of fighting against my fear. Maybe, the simple act has and is still offering me peace and solace against my angst. My fright of losing people.
For me, the thought of people passing away is scary. It is energy-consuming. It is draining. Above all, it signals pessimism taking the upper hand in a life where there is so much to focus on but the end of life. But, fighting the thoughts lingering around is hard, isn’t it? Going against the wave of negativity is near impossible, especially if that fear turns into reality, be it expected or unexpected.
I am not keen on knowing why that fear is persistent at this point in life. It can be the fact that I have not experienced many people leaving the world behind them until now. It could also be the overthinker in me gaining control once in a while. No, I am not striving for answers to the question of why. Simply because it is not going to help me in dealing with the ugly truth of lives coming to an end.
But, I want to learn how to live with that fearfulness. I am not going to be prepared for any departures from life. I will burst out, scream and cry endlessly. I will grieve breathlessly, and that, without seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I will believe that life is not going to move one step further. I will go through all these steps unrehearsed and raw. Yet, I will be okay. Because I know. I know that there is this hidden, gloomy point at the end of the tunnel.
The consciousness is there, but ever fluctuating as human emotions are, I want to translate the awareness into shifting my thoughts when the fear is taking my mind. That does not mean that I am going to suppress it. Because fear of death is human. It is okay to be terrified of losing your people. However, it is not okay to be held back. It is not okay if it is an interference in enjoying the time you have, spending it wisely, and with the people you adore the most.
How am I exactly going to treat my mind whenever I encounter that feeling of anxiety? In all honesty, I do not know yet. I am still in the process of finding out what helps me in growing past that feeling and what not. For now, I am on the journey of comprehending how strong and resilient I can be. I can go through that negativity and keep my body and soul together. And the truth is that I have never given myself credit for the strength I possess. Don’t we often disregard our capability of floating through life despite the many roadblocks it sets up for us?
Finally, what is life without the people we love and at the same time fear for so much? The understanding that there are a few out there who remind you of your courage if you intend to forget or not even recognize, is beautiful. It is fulfilling to have the option to reach out to hands if sights get blurry and roadblocks start accumulating. In the end, it is always gratifying to realize that there are individuals with warm shoulders and even warmer hearts to lean on if the ride gets rocky and wearing.
Comments